I’m acting like I am, I’m standing here. But my daughter’s face may as well be on a movie screen. It flickers in front of me.
There’s food on the stove. There’s a half-written article on the computer. My vitamins are waving to me from the kitchen counter. I’m all over the place. Every place but here.
And she can tell.
My daughter has a nose for who’s really there and who’s not. But she’s still talking, and so I think, between the scattered words and phrases "and then he ..." that I actually hear, I’m listening, I’m listening, she believes I’m listening!
Then she stops, looks at me. I’ve been found out. She breathes. I breathe. She goes on. I have a second chance.
I know what to do. I unfold my arms from in front of my body. Start a Rori Raye Body Dialogue - but wait. This isn’t the time for a Body Dialogue. This isn’t about me. It’s about her. Her experience. Nothing to do with me.
The stove, the computer, the vitamins are all calling, and still the only thing to do is...listen.
I throw myself Over There, to where she is. I move myself away from myself, and focus on her nose, her eyes, her words. I don’t remember anything more except that she was smiling, and pretty thrilled and breathless about her dream, what with the chase, the rollercoaster and the mistaken identities, and that I wasn’t even there.
If you have dreams - of running your own business, of getting out from under the stess of your currrent business and making money the feminine Business Siren way, of having the love and relationship you want without sacrificing your work and success, or sacrificing your love life to your work, check out my newest program Have It All - Systems, Structure and Soul.
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Here's what the great coach Michelle Manley has to say about Have It All (and she participated in the live case studies - so you'll get to hear her process and progress!):
"I was stuck in both my career and my love life. Neither felt exciting or satisfying and I was a long way from even the idea of fulfilling my potential. I knew there was a lot more to me than I was letting the world see.
I’m now on my path, a very clear path to my happy ever after. I’m running my own business, which is very exciting and very satisfying. I’m experiencing a much deeper connection with men and having a lot of fun along the way.
I’ve learned how to feel and love my fear and it no longer holds me back. I’m stepping into the unknown, which at one time would have paralysed me and now inspires me.
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When there’s someone else talking, you can bypass your brain and get instantly present by going to "Listening To Them." Here’s how it works:
- Listening To Myself is: It’s all about me.
- Listening to Them is: It’s all about him, it's all about her.
- Listening To Everything is a bit esoteric - It’s all about everything.
Listening to someone and then feeling heard back by them is an unbelievable experience – and it’s very rare.
Most of us are at "Listening to Myself" all the time. Most of the time, we aren’t really listening, we’re thinking about ourselves – what we’re going to say next, what we think about the other person, that our pants are too tight, we have a pimple on our chin, anything but the person right in front of us.
When we’re in a conversation with someone, and we’re thinking about how what that person is saying relates to us, we’re at Listening To Myself.
- I may be sitting or standing here talking with you, but actually I’m all in my own head about me. Oh, that happened to me too! Or I wonder if he likes my hair or I wonder if he’ll ask me out.
There's nothing wrong with Listening To Myself– in other words, being all about ourselves – except that it limits our ability to really relate to others.
Listening To Them (to Him or Her) is the complete reverse of Listening to Myself.
- Imagine how, when you’re utterly in love with someone, all you can see is their face, all you can hear is their voice, all you can smell is their breath and cologne. Their words and the feelings they express are, in that moment, the most important things in the world to you. In fact, the only things in the world.
When you listen to a person, really Listen To Them, you will change the moment, the interaction, the entire relationship. And as a result, he or she - no matter WHAT the situation: work or romance - will change. Almost overnight.
A man you think you’re not attracted to might suddenly open up and become really attractive to you once you find out about him.
A man who seems distracted and disinterested in you might suddenly open up and become amazingly interested and attracted to you.
A boss, coworker, business partner, client or customer might suddenly soften and become totally drawn to you and what you have to offer.
To do this, you need do NOTHING!
* Let your body go as soft and limp as it's willing to "be" and simply find yourself "over there" - with the other person.
* Let your thoughts just go limp, imagine that for this moment you no longer "exist." You're just "taking in" the other person
* See your thoughts as just "passing through." You’re over there with "them."
You don’t have to talk, or smile, or do anything. If you feel an urge to "contribute" - try nodding your head and making gutteral sounds as they come to you: "ooooooo..." "ahhhh......"""!
Here’s How To Practice "Listening To Them" Right Now:
When I used to do Have the Relationship You Want workshops, we'd work in partners.
- One person talks about themselves - what’s on their mind, what they did today, anything.
- The other person Listens To Them.
- The talking person’s only job is to focus on herself, and the listening person’s only job is to focus on the talking person.
I say, "Listeners, all you have to do is listen. Get comfortable. It doesn’t matter if you’re leaning forward or leaning back. Look at your partner. Look at their face, their eyes. Try to stay focused on their words. Really give yourself over to them completely. You are Listening To Them, which is all about them – it’s over there.
If you notice your mind wandering back to – "Oh, that happened to me too," or "Yeah, I agree" – which is Listening To Myself – shift back to them. When you’re really at Listening To Them, you’ll be completely immersed over there.
Okay – go.
If you have a friend to work with, practice on each other.
If you're working alone, let’s do the exercise differently:
>Put yourself in front of a mirror.
>Imagine that you, in the mirror, are going to hang on every word you, in front of the mirror, say.
>Your mirror image will follow wherever your thoughts go, giving you total attention.
>Go ahead and talk about your day. Tell your image everything that happened to you today – the emotion of it, the detail of it, what was important about it. Laugh, cry, say whatever comes to mind. Pay little or no attention to your mirror image.
>Now, when you finish up, think about how it felt to completely unload your mind and heart while your mirror image did nothing but listen. She did not interject, offer advice, even go uh-huh.
>If you imagine that you in the mirror were listening intently and compassionately, you may feel as heard, as light and unburdened as you would practicing with a partner.
Now, in order to reverse it, we’ll do without words altogether.
>Look at yourself in the mirror, and become completely absorbed in your image’s eyes, hair, nose, mouth, smile – with this important agreement: You must pretend that this mirror image is someone else.
>In this way, you can look at the mirror image’s hair and notice that it has gray in it, or curl, or a highlight, without thinking about it. In other words, as soon as you say to yourself Oh, I have to color my roots, you’ve moved back to Listening To Myself.
>Your job is to observe with attention and compassion the qualities of the face in front of you, and to commune instinctively with the emotions conveyed by the face and the person in front of you.
You are to forget that the image in the mirror is you.
Now take what you’ve experienced and practice it out in the world!
I encourage you to practice, practice, practice. Practice with the busboy, the clerk, your blind date, your boyfriend or your husband, your children, your friends, your relatives, your pet, the birds outside, and total strangers. Practice and notice when you go back to Listening to Myself. The more you do it, the more natural it will become to Listen to Them.
To really get into how you can Listen To Yourself - and STILL Listen To Them, draw in everyone you encounter (or who encounter you on the web), and get the life and love you want, check out my newest program-->>
One spectacular thing I do remember, and keep with me, is the feel of my daughter stopping abruptly at the end of her dream-telling and hugging me before she danced off, back to her room, back to her computer, back to her books and her music, back to her life.
Let me know how Listening changes things for you, too.